My Not So Secret, Secret

It all began like any other day. I woke up, slayed this face, and set forth on the slave brigade also know as “work.” The only difference was, on this day, I had something saucy waiting for me when I got off. Now I’m not talking about those leftover enchiladas in the back of the fridge that you dream about all day long. It was chocolate, 6 feet tall, and had Gucci Guilty all over it.

Yaaas boo, A MAN! A foine one at that. His name was Tyrone, and the only one calling his phone was me. We had been going 4 weeks strong, and if you ask my girls, that’s long term for me. We were “stupid cute.” You know, when you’re not even texting words anymore, just emojis. He hit me with the “ 😍👀👋🏾😘👅,” and I was like “💋💋💋💋🤰🏽🏃🏾‍♀️🤳🏿.” If you don’t speak emoji, that means “ I’ll call you after work boo.” So Fast forward to 4:30pm. I’m driving home so I can have time to get cute in case he tried to sneak FaceTime your girl and get that awkward side angle. I cheated on my makeup that day and wore a deep side band so I only did one eyebrow and one eye. It got real awkward when I would hold conversations and forget not to move my bangs. Now fast, fast forward and I was sitting on my bed in pajamas with a full face of makeup (on both eyes) waiting on this man to call me. Suddenly, I remembered I forgot to watch Power last Sunday. That’s my show, and when my show comes on, I can’t hear anything anyone is saying to me. Every response is “wow that’s crazy,” or “oh and what did you say?” I’ve found after years of doing this, either of those somehow fit into most scenarios. I was half way through Power and Tommy was getting on my last nerve when my phone rang. Normally I would be a lot more exited, but instead I was annoyed. I turned the volume down and proceeded to watch Power as I fumbled through a conversation with Tyrone. I don’t remember what he was

saying at the time because my focus was elsewhere. About 10-20 minuets passed by and I was faking far to well because I completely forgot I was on the phone. I even put him on speaker and put the speaker close to my thigh so he couldn’t hear Tasha and Angela going at it. Eventually a commercial came on and I was daydreaming about who knows what when IT HAPPENED.

Have you ever forgotten where you were for a moment? Maybe when you’re driving for a long time and reach your destination with no idea how you got there. Well, I had one of those moments. I could hear him talking in the background of my daydream but the sound was so distant that I didn’t stop the giant fart that came rumbling out. ​

​ Yes. I said fart. A grown ass gran daddy fart. The ones that linger with a high pitch squeal and cause everyone to look around the room kind of fart. I FARTED ON SPEAKER PHONE. It was like I temporarily lost all the life in my body. My soul came out with that fart and tried to leave me from embarrassment. It was dead silent so I assumed he heard that, I mean, how could he not? I completely panicked. When most people panic, they tend to look for a solution. When I panic, I look for the nearest escape route. I handled this in the most mature way possible, I hung up the phone. I just laid on my back too scared to move even though he wasn’t actually there. Then I stared hyping myself up. “Girl you didn’t like him anyway.” I knew that was a lie. “Maybe he didn’t hear it, you can just tell him you dropped your phone.” That seemed like a reasonable answer. “Girl so what if you farted, you’re a batch bitch. Bad bitches fart too. It’s just another way to shame women, he probably farts all the damn time.” I just decided that unless he called me back, we were never going to speak again. Tyrone must’ve taken the night to think about this because he didn’t hit me up until the next day. “Aye, what happened last night?” Was the first text I got that morning. Of course I played dumb. Then we just continued on like nothing ever happened. This man was a keeper! I need someone who can look past all of my awkward moments.

It’s so crazy that literally a week later I broke up with him because I hated the way his mouth looked then he was eating. I’m telling you, I need help!