When a "Shitty Situation" Get's Literal.

A public restroom is the last place I’d consider having a “Did that just happen” moment, but I am an awkward black chick after all.

It was that magic time of the month all women dread, unless they’ve had a Plan B moment, and I thought I had a bright idea. Every time Ladies visit the restroom, we have to bring our whole purse and it’s awkward. I thought I would bypass the super obvious,

"I’m grabbing my purse to go to the bathroom" scene by packing a little clutch. It was super cute with a little glittery lipstick on the front and was small enough to carry in my hand undetected. When It came time to make my first stop, I grabbed my clutch, and strutted my way to the ladies room.

Just to give you some insight, I love acrylic nails. I wear them long and proud. For example, you can hear a loud “click, click, click,” when I type. Random people are always asking “ How do you do anything with those nails?!” Excuse my French, but I always say “BIIIIIIIIIIIITCH, like this!” Then proceed to be extra with whatever task I was doing before the interruption. Just between us, I can’t open bottles, cans, or pick up any flat item. When SZA spoke about picking up a penny with a press on, I felt that. Ive been able to sub my pinkiy nail for a Phillips screw driver, and I can poke holes in packages with ease. It’s a give and take, love and hate situation.

Now that you understand my nails, it may be easier to understand what occurred next. I was in the stall and began to unzip my clutch. While doing so, my nails made this task extremely awkward in my hands. I fumbled with it a bit before dropping it on the floor. Normally that would be ok. In this scenario, the bag landed on the floor of the stall next to me. To make things a million times worse, someone was in there. All my supplies rolled out of the bag and were scattered on and around her feet.

Now, have you ever heard the term, “Take a knee?” It worked for Jaden Smith in the movie After Earth, and that was good enough for me. Your girl was in that stall taking a knee and attempting to figure out her life in 10 seconds or less.

It’s common knowledge that ladies identify each other in the restroom by looking at shoes. There was a strong chance I couldn’t get away with this so I just went ahead and did it ya’ll. I said “excuse me ma’am,” and reached my hand under her stall. Have you ever cleaned a mess around a strangers feet while they were taking a shit? I assume this was a much worse experience for her than it was for me. One by one, I picked up tampons while saying “I’m sorry” after each one. The worst one was wedged between her feet and I had to pluck it out. You would think she'd help out by kicking a few my way. In fact, I partially blame her for this whole situation.

The entire time she sat silently and I just wondered if anyone on the outside was secretly Snap-Chatting this. A minute or two later, I heard her door open and she began to wash her hands. Now I had been done handling my business for awhile, but I wasn’t going to come out of there just to make uncomfortable eye contact with my abusee. I was so nervous the whole time, I forgot to stop squatting in the stall. If I stood up, she would’ve seen my voluptuous fro, and I wasn’t sitting my bomb ass dress on that dirty toilet seat. I think I made the right choice.

Eventually she left, and I finally emerged from my uncomfortable and obvious hideout. I didn’t recognize her shoes. If by some chance she recognized mine, I’ll always be remembered as the chick who spilled tampons on her while she took a work shit. Talk about building a professional brand.