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Lurk With Caution

Everyone has their own routine when they get home from work. Some people have a glass of wine. Others turn on their favorite junk t.v show. I personally plop that thang on the couch and indulge in a thoughtless insta-binge. I know some of you are thinking, " Uh, such a waste of time." I know it is, that's why I limit my usage to 5 hours a day. The problem with this is every few months I do the infamous Ex Lurk. Yes, I just made that up. It doesn't have to be the same Ex. It doesn't even have to be an ex lover. Pretty much anyone you don't talk to any longer and know you shouldn't be 54 weeks deep in their profile. If fingers could tip-toe, I'd have this skill on lock. I've only had a couple slip ups, and they scared me enough to swear on the good Lords name.

One time I accidentally clicked on an Ex’s story and deleted my profile 30 seconds later. I swore I wouldn't do it again... Then 38 times later, I found myself in another situation.

Let me lay it out for ya'll. I was just trying to find some guys page for reasons that had nothing to do with myself. You know, minding my own damn business per usual. I couldn't find it, so I thought I could find him on an Ex's friends list. They hardly know each other so it's not really being nosy. I was simply looking for my Ex's best friend. I couldn't find him anywhere. At that point it became a mystery so I had to further investigate! I went back to my Ex's page and scrolled through his pictures. That mofo was nowhere to be found! Then I saw a picture with this girl who is best friends with the Ex's best friend. BOOM, just like that I was on her page. If you've ever heard the song Shining by Beyonce, replace that with "scrolling," and you'll understand the pace in which my nosy ways bloomed.

All of a sudden I see a pic of her and Ex's cousin. I'm like, "Whaaaat, he's finally let go of his thot-ish ways?" Just as things were getting juicy, I remembered I had an ice cream sandwich in my freezer. I vacated the lurking station for a quick snack break. Lurking ain’t easy.When I returned, I completely forgot what I was doing. I picked up my phone without tip toeing and guess what I saw. A RED HEART! ️

I liked that picture of the girl and the Ex's cousin from 20 weeks ago. I already know how girls are. She would see that notification, put that phone straight in her mans face and say, You know this girl?" Then Ex's cousin would've reported to the ex, and I might die of embarrassment. I freaked out. I ran back and forth from the living room to the kitchen hoping it would magically disappear. I imagine this is how cheaters feel before getting caught. I even made a checklist of scenarios in my head.

1. "She'll get a notification and go to my page, then she wont see anything because I'm about to delete this mess !"

2. "My Ex is going to find out and I'm going to look mad lame, but maybe I wont die."

3. "There's a 90% chance of getting caught here so I can go eat another ice cream sandwich and call it a day."

The moral of the story is, mind ya damn business ya'll. Read a book, go to the gym, resist the urge to lurk at all costs. Learn from my mistakes because my name was probably floating around in a group chat as this was being written. I think I finally learned my lesson. I'm never going to do it again, but when I do, you'll be the first to know.

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